…with Bis­cuits and Gravy?

     I recently received a brochure from Star­bucks telling me what to eat with my cof­fee. It seems that, like fine wine, one needs to pair the cor­rect foods. You can­not mix your java and pas­tries willy-nilly. Colom­bian cof­fee needs zuc­chini nut bread to bring out its nutty fla­vors; Costa Rica Tar­razu requires lemon bars to bring out its cit­rus undertones.

     When did break­fast become this com­pli­cated? I want cof­fee in the morn­ing. I want it hot and black (there’s a joke here, but I’m not going to give in to the temp­ta­tion), and admin­is­tered intra­venously if nec­es­sary. I may eat some­thing with it, or I may not. Cof­fee is not meant to be fussed over in the morn­ing, it is sup­posed to slap me into con­scious­ness. My dad was always a ‘cof­fee and cig­a­rettes’ man – what brand should he have smoked with his Folgers?

     What’s next, sodas? Should I have Coke with my peanut but­ter to bring out the nutty qual­ity of the cola, but Pepsi with pas­trami to bal­ance the spici­ness of the sand­wich with a lighter taste? Maybe I should serve Sprite with tuna salad the way we drink white wine with fish.

     Excuse me. I’m going to go have a bologna sand­wich with orange juice, before the Food Faux Pas Police stop me.